Trying to maintain perspective...
I have highschool classmates in Iraq and Afghanistan, away from their children, their worlds, their security. One of Mariel's friends is in the Children's Hospital with cancer... so finding new child care is not the worst situation in the world, even if it feels awful.  This is what I am telling myself. 
It was a better day- we found a good in home daycare near us that could be a reasonable transition place, safe, comfortable, very impressive.    I did not (although I did want to) cry on the woman's shoulder, but I felt somehow better about her because I think that I could have.  Still, it is so hard to decide whether or not it is "right" when I have absolutely zero confidence in my ability to judge what is "right" for my kids at the moment. It was a crazy day of visiting home daycares and more calling on the phone to various people.  Emotionally draining in way that I can't figure out how to put into words.  Mariel enjoyed the visits, which made it easier on all of us.
It was also a strangely warm day- highs in the 50s.  Mariel and I took some time (while Noella was napping in between our "visits") to go outside and play.

 After a little while, she kicked off her boots, took off her tights, spread out the towel we brought out to dry things off from melting snow, and said she was sunbathing on the beach. 

Supposed to snow tomorrow.

You have to laugh at yourself, 'cause you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't (one of the many important lessons of life learned from the Indigo Girls)

Tough day.  No sleep.  Brooke told me last night that she does not want to watch the girls anymore, that it is not what she expected.  It was certainly wonderful to have them with her, and I know that my kids were in a good place.  I also know that I would probably not be so happy watching four kids, myself.  So I respect and understand her decision, or I at least I will, when I get over the state of intense despair/ panic/ worry that I am in at the moment.  Wondering how to decide where my girls should go and how to get them in a place that won't put us all back in this same position in another few months (not really trusting my own instincts at this point).  There is a center that I like, but they don't expect openings until the summer.  So do I find a temporary place and go through multiple transitions?  Or try to find a different center (if there even is a better fit for us out there)?  Nanny? In home?  What will this do to my kids?   You know, all of that good stuff (Actually, if you're reading this, I hope you don't know.  It sucks.)
Crummy day at work, including finding out in very long meeting that a visiting scholar is coming next year who will be teaching Indigenous Politics.  Two courses.  In the Spring.  Which is when I am scheduled to teach... Indigenous Politics.  So, how does this work?  Um, isn't this actually what I was hired to do?  Confused.  Things got interesting, too, when the power went out on campus for the 2nd time in 8 days.  Did you know that my office is in the basement?!!!  Not such a productive or positive day at work.
So when the kids went to bed, I went to the gym.  I take a class my Aunt recommended, Zumba, which is a sort of choreographed dance/ aerobic thing.  It was my third class, so I am relatively unskilled compared to all of the regulars. (Side note: I have never felt plainer than in this class- I have no idea where all of these middle aged curvy, voluptuous women come from, but they can WORK IT in ways I definately can't).  I met a dance teacher once who used to say that "a bad dance won't harm the earth" and I try to abide by that- might as well make a fool of myself.  I do a good job of this.  And I laugh at myself.  The teacher this time put a new spin on the class, and she was hoping we would dance a little, well, sexier than I ever could.    My favorite instruction of the night was when the teacher told us to dance up to the mirror and "love all over our sexy selves."  I am not sure what this means, and I am pretty darn sure that I did not do this, but it definately made me smile.  And I needed that.