Trying to maintain perspective...
I have highschool classmates in Iraq and Afghanistan, away from their children, their worlds, their security. One of Mariel's friends is in the Children's Hospital with cancer... so finding new child care is not the worst situation in the world, even if it feels awful.  This is what I am telling myself. 
It was a better day- we found a good in home daycare near us that could be a reasonable transition place, safe, comfortable, very impressive.    I did not (although I did want to) cry on the woman's shoulder, but I felt somehow better about her because I think that I could have.  Still, it is so hard to decide whether or not it is "right" when I have absolutely zero confidence in my ability to judge what is "right" for my kids at the moment. It was a crazy day of visiting home daycares and more calling on the phone to various people.  Emotionally draining in way that I can't figure out how to put into words.  Mariel enjoyed the visits, which made it easier on all of us.
It was also a strangely warm day- highs in the 50s.  Mariel and I took some time (while Noella was napping in between our "visits") to go outside and play.

 After a little while, she kicked off her boots, took off her tights, spread out the towel we brought out to dry things off from melting snow, and said she was sunbathing on the beach. 

Supposed to snow tomorrow.

You have to laugh at yourself, 'cause you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't (one of the many important lessons of life learned from the Indigo Girls)

Tough day.  No sleep.  Brooke told me last night that she does not want to watch the girls anymore, that it is not what she expected.  It was certainly wonderful to have them with her, and I know that my kids were in a good place.  I also know that I would probably not be so happy watching four kids, myself.  So I respect and understand her decision, or I at least I will, when I get over the state of intense despair/ panic/ worry that I am in at the moment.  Wondering how to decide where my girls should go and how to get them in a place that won't put us all back in this same position in another few months (not really trusting my own instincts at this point).  There is a center that I like, but they don't expect openings until the summer.  So do I find a temporary place and go through multiple transitions?  Or try to find a different center (if there even is a better fit for us out there)?  Nanny? In home?  What will this do to my kids?   You know, all of that good stuff (Actually, if you're reading this, I hope you don't know.  It sucks.)
Crummy day at work, including finding out in very long meeting that a visiting scholar is coming next year who will be teaching Indigenous Politics.  Two courses.  In the Spring.  Which is when I am scheduled to teach... Indigenous Politics.  So, how does this work?  Um, isn't this actually what I was hired to do?  Confused.  Things got interesting, too, when the power went out on campus for the 2nd time in 8 days.  Did you know that my office is in the basement?!!!  Not such a productive or positive day at work.
So when the kids went to bed, I went to the gym.  I take a class my Aunt recommended, Zumba, which is a sort of choreographed dance/ aerobic thing.  It was my third class, so I am relatively unskilled compared to all of the regulars. (Side note: I have never felt plainer than in this class- I have no idea where all of these middle aged curvy, voluptuous women come from, but they can WORK IT in ways I definately can't).  I met a dance teacher once who used to say that "a bad dance won't harm the earth" and I try to abide by that- might as well make a fool of myself.  I do a good job of this.  And I laugh at myself.  The teacher this time put a new spin on the class, and she was hoping we would dance a little, well, sexier than I ever could.    My favorite instruction of the night was when the teacher told us to dance up to the mirror and "love all over our sexy selves."  I am not sure what this means, and I am pretty darn sure that I did not do this, but it definately made me smile.  And I needed that.

A conversation with Mariel (subtitle: Do I need to call the health department?)
I am home with the kids today- Brooke has the day off.  They were "cooking" in the play kitchen- Noella stirring up some plastic monkey stew, Mariel making ice cream.
Mariel, bringing her pot and a spoon over: Here mom, here is some ice cream.  Its princess ice cream!
Me: Thank you!
Mariel: Its made with real princesses. 
Me, with a surprised look: Oh!
Mariel: Don't worry, they are dead.  And I mashed them up.  It is delicious.

Meramec Caverns

We spent the afternoon underground, in Meramec Caverns (about 60 miles west of St Louis).  The outside was pretty unimpressive- a tourist trap type of place, with dozens of signs as advertisement, a dismal hotel, campgrounds barely above the river, the main building with a leaking roof, and an enormous parking lot that (in the middle of winter) had all of ten cars.  Inside the caves, it was a totally different story.  The caves were  very interesting and beautiful-we only saw a mile of dozens of miles of caves in this system.  There were some extremely rare formations which we probably did not appreciate to the fullest.  The caves also have an interesting history- some of the largest "rooms" were used a storage area for soldiers during the Civil War, a ballroom during the 30s and 40s, and eve at one point some hidden places served as a hideout for Jesse James.  Mariel had a great time (she was just a little sad that the bats were hibernating).  Noella was pretty tired of being carried around, but I was rather reluctant to put her down in there!  The tour ends with a "musical show" including lights being flashed on a huge stalagtite/stalagmite formation.  The ridiculous seriousness/ campiness of it reminds me (on a much smaller scale) of Stone Mountain in Georgia.  As we were leaving, Patrick snuck into the store and bought a pink dyed stone slice for Mariel.  In the car, he gave her the paper bag with her gift as a suprise, telling her it was something very special.  She reached into the bag, pulled out the index card that had a paragraph on the origins of the stone, looked at it dubiously, and said "Well, this isn't really that exciting."  We told her to look in the bag again, and her reaction to the actual gift was much better, including a gasp of sheer joy when she saw that it was pink. 

Noella's dinner:
1 toaster waffle (at 4:30, because she actually pulled the box out of the grocery bag and started gnawing on it)
3 crushed tortilla chips with shredded cheese (because Mariel and I decided we needed appetizers, too, and Noella immediately began pointing and grunting, universal baby language for I WANT THAT NOW).
1/4 chopped red and orange bell pepper
1 piece of deli turkey, diced
1/4 cup chopped tortellini and shredded cheese
1 cup whole milk to drink
and 1 empty ice cream cone (see note for tortilla chips- Mariel got a chocolate ice cream cone)
This whole meal lasted from 4:30 until 5:30.  If you have small children, you know that most kids will not stay in a high chair or booster for more than 20 minutes.  Noella, on the other hand, will stay as long as there is food.